Interview with Brenda High

Family North Carolina Magazine—Mar/Apr 2008

On Air With . . .
Brenda High is an activist mom whose son, Jared, committed suicide at the age of 13 as a result of bullying at his middle school. Since his death, Brenda has become a compassionate crusader against bullying and peer abuse in schools. She is the founder and co-director of Bully Policy, USA, where she has consulted with state lawmakers across the country on anti-bullying laws. Brenda is also the lead author in a new book called Bullycide in America: Moms Speak Out About the Bullying/Suicide Connection. She runs several websites, including www.bullypolice.org and www.bullycide.org.

The following is an edited transcript of an interview with Brenda High conducted by Bill Brooks, North Carolina Family Policy Council president, in March 2008 for the Council’s weekly radio program, “Family Policy Matters.” Brenda shared her personal story and talked about anti-bullying laws, and what works best to stop bullying and protect all students. She also discussed why efforts to include “sexual orientation” and “gender identity/expression,” in these laws are a bad idea.

This interview can be heard in its entirety here: Listen (.mp3) — (.wma) — (Real)

Bill Brooks: Why did you become involved with the issue of school bullying?

Brenda High: Well, Jared’s my youngest son, and during the last few months of 6th grade, Jared was harassed and assaulted by a chronic bully, and this set an emotional trigger that caused Jared to become clinically depressed. A few months later, on September 29th, at the age of 13 and six days, Jared took his life, and over the years I began to find other parents who had experienced the very same loss under similar circumstances. So we were determined to stop this tragedy from happening to other families. So last year, we all came together and decided to work on a book called Bullycide in America: Moms Speak Out About the Bullying/Suicide Connection, in an effort to change the way that parents and schools think about school bullying.

BB: You use a term in your book and on your website that some of our listeners may not be familiar with—“bullycide.” What is “bullycide,” and how wide spread is the problem?”

BH: Bullycide, spelled bully-c-i-d-e, is a suicide attributed to the effects of bullying. Bullying triggers depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and other disorders related to depression. Depression, as most people know, is the number one cause of suicide. People don’t talk about suicide, especially when it happens to a young person, and we can’t even fathom it happening to our own child, but suicide is actually the leading cause of death in the United States for both old and young people. It just seems to me that we as parents would want to know how to prevent our children from getting those triggers that might cause them to become depressed and consider taking their own life. We know bullying is a widespread problem, and we also know that we can do something about schoolyard bullying before it leads to depression or bullycide. What I say in our book ... is that we need to take action. We need to warn the parents about the connection between bullying and suicide, and teach them how to prevent this type of tragedy in their own families.

BB: As I mentioned earlier, you’ve worked with legislatures across the country to enact laws aimed at eliminating or, at least reducing, bullying at schools. Tell us about your work on anti-bullying legislation, and how many states have passed what you consider to be successful anti-bullying laws?

BH: Because the subject of school bullying kind of hits home for almost all people at some time in their life, I found that both Republicans and Democrats are very open to communication about this issue. Bullying is a non-partisan issue, and it’s been a wonderful feeling for me and my friends to be involved in getting legislation passed in several states. Activism for a good cause is exhilarating. Right now, there are 32 states that have anti-bullying laws, and I have graded these states based on my own criteria about what a law should have inside the text, and I would say that states who have a B or better is an acceptable law, but only the A and A+ states can be really pleased about their law. The real measure of a successful law is only determined by how well a law is implemented by the people, school officials in this case. Law means nothing if it isn’t obeyed by the people, kind of like a stop sign that no one wants to stop at.

BB: We have seen attempts in North Carolina to use the bullying issue to get pro-homosexual language inserted in anti-bullying policies at local schools and into state-level legislation. Have you seen this in other states, and what impact does this have on the debate?

BH: There are several states that have inclusive language in their laws. These states have leadership who want to make their constituents who want special rights happy. In California, for instance, their new law focuses on the victim—of why they are victimized, [such as] because of race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. The truth is the victims are not at fault for being bullied—the victim is not the problem, the bully is. Stop the bully from bullying, and you will have no victims. It’s as simple as that. The sad thing about all of this is there should be no debate about this in the first place. Inclusive language shouldn’t be there. Again, bullying is a non-partisan issue and it could happen to anyone. There is no one more special than anyone else in this world. Taking the inclusive language out would just be an easier way to pass the law.

BB: Homosexual activists argue that the victims must be included in anti-bullying laws in order to be protected, but you believe that victims should not be defined in anti-bullying laws. Why?

BH: First, adding the protective language for victims to a law, or what I call inclusive language to an anti-bullying law, assumes that having the “wrong” attitude about sexual orientation and gender identity will increase one’s likelihood of being a bully or harasser. Again, bullies bully because they can and they can get away with it. There is absolutely no other reason for bullying. All that needs to be done to stop bullying is to stop the behavior of these bullies. It’s as simple as that, and second, adding an inclusive language to an anti-bullying law assumes that no harm comes to students from teaching them to approve homosexuality. We know that from the latest HIV/AIDS estimates that this is incorrect. Male to male sex is very high risk physically as well as mentally, which is proven by the high suicide rates in the homosexual population. And third, it ignores the constitutional right for people who believe homosexuality is wrong. The thought police should not tell our ministers, pastors, and bishops what to teach in our churches or at our pulpits. And finally, the fourth reason that adding inclusive language is not going to be particularly successful is that it sets up an inequality under the law through the use of categories. For instance, appearance is at least as big of a reason as homosexuality. Why not have tax-funded training for the correct way to dress or hairstyles or how to lose weight? Well, we’d all see that immediately as discrimination. All categories should be seen as discriminatory in the same way. This inequality provides special rights to some, while minimizing the incidences of harassment or bullying that won’t neatly fall into that category. The group with the special right not to be bullied will be the first to be bullied—only it will be done through exclusion, whispering, and hurtful actions. It will become a stealth activity. It would be the nature of bullies to look for opportunities to make these kids miserable, and it is the nature of bullies that we should be worried about, not what the victim does or says. What kids need to learn to do is respect one another, not to particularly like someone. We as a nation are putting too much emphasis on solving the bullying problem by looking at victims and defining what they do. We need to look at the bully and what they are doing. To make the case in this point, we used to look at the victims of rape and relate what they were doing to cause them to be raped. Sometimes we even blamed the victims of rape because of what they were wearing or who they were associated with. Now, we realize that victims aren’t at fault, and even an 82 year-old grandma can get raped. The perpetrator is at fault, and no one else.

BB: That is an excellent point. As you may be aware, this month schools across the nation will be observing an event known as “No Name Calling Week” that was created by the pro-homosexual advocacy group GLSEN—the Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network. Do you believe that these kinds of events are effective at preventing bullying and name-calling in school?

BH: Well, we all have to be honest here. The key word that GLSEN or all the pro-homosexual groups are worried about is the word “gay.” Being called gay can be a very touchy subject, whether a child is gay or not. It’s also a common sentence structure used by our teenagers in the school, for example, “That is so gay” or “You’re so gay.” Here is the problem. Who will be the thought police, the punishers, or the first amendment enforcers that will decide whether someone should be punished and how. Should the same punishment be given to a six-year-old for calling someone gay or for a 10-year-old or a 16-year-old? My feeling is that “No Name-Calling Week” will only be successful if Christian principles such as “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (that’s Luke 6:31) are taught and only with love, understanding, and forgiveness.

BB: Based on your experience and research, what is the best way to protect kids from bullying at school?

BH: Every child needs to start to become a voice in their school, and we’re a shy group of people many times. We have been taught to turn the other cheek. When a child is being bullied, they need to yell, “Stop bullying me!” as loud as a car horn going off. Also, when someone sees someone being bullied they need to be there to help that victim, kind of be their hero, like the child in the road when a car’s coming by. We just run in there and take that child out of there. In this case, you can actually run in there, and take the child out of there, the victim out of there, and just leave the bully standing there. Our children need to support each other by watching out for each other and actively supporting those who would be targeted by bullies. Teachers need to know what to look for and reward students who step up to help those kids who are being harassed or bullied. They also need to insist that bullies and their victims get the counseling they need. In the book Bullycide in America, we tell students and parents and teachers they need to work together and that a child’s life could depend on it. I would ask your radio audience to please take responsibility. The adults in charge must stop the bullies from bullying. It’s not the job of the child. I know that sounds too simple, but that’s the easiest way to solve the problem.

BB: As you talk about this, it seems to me that lessons that children learn in elementary school on the playground are the same ones that need to be translated later into life. I think somebody wrote a book some time ago about everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten, but the idea being that in real life as you’re an adult if someone attacks you or someone commits a crime against you, you don’t go and seek revenge or retribution yourself, you call the authorities. We depend on the authorities and the rule of law to protect us, to protect our private property, and to protect our lives, and so that’s what the police are for. And when children are at school, the administration, the teachers, those who are in authority, act in that role in their lives. So that’s where they need to go, and that’s who needs to offer the protection.

BH: Administrators, in a lot of cases are pretty lazy about handling the problem. So that’s why I say hey, if your child’s being bullied, have them speak up. They can go to a website called heroesinthecrowd.com and they can see the videos there that demonstrate that type of activity. It basically teaches your child to be verbal. We are quiet people and we’re a peaceful people. We need to learn to defend ourselves verbally without striking back if possible. I could just add here that too often children and people stay victims. I’ve even had people who are 82 years-old e-mail me and say they were a victim, and that it affected them their whole life. So ... after [our children] have gotten out of that situation of being bullied, we need to teach them to be survivors and to grow from their horrible experience because they don’t need to be victims all their life. They need to move forward, not look back, and forgive as you mentioned, and get on with their life and be survivors.